How I found out about the word narcissist
I first heard the term narcissist about 5 years ago. I had just met up with an acquaintance who was going through a breakup. After she described her partner’s behaviour, she concluded by saying, “basically he is a narcissist.” I said I would pray for her and that she should seek the Lord and build a relationship with Jesus Christ because He is the only one who can truly help us get through emotional stress. After that we hugged and said goodbye.
When I arrived home, I was wondering what a narcissist was so as you do, I googled it. I was so surprised to find that I was living with a narcissist. Yes, I thought, I finally have a word for a certain someone’s behaviour which for years I couldn’t understand. There are different types of narcissism but today I’m covering general narcissism.
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is a person who is extremely self – centred, only concerned with his or her own needs above anyone else’s. A narcissist thinks the world revolves around them, if you dare to disagree with one, there is likely going to be an explosion of arguments. Narcissists are manipulative, have no empathy, are good at gas lighting, intimidating, threatening and are emotionally abusive. It’s important to note that a narcissist can also have sensitive traits which makes it a very complex situation to deal with. They can appear to be loving and kind which can be very confusing and exhausting. However, now that I come to think of it, narcissists usually portray these characteristics when he or she wants something.
“Narcissistic personality disorder is complicated and nuanced. It is defined as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (sense of superiority in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and occurring in a variety of contexts (Weinberg & Ronningstam, 2022).”
Characteristics of a Narcissist
Not everyone has the luxury of moving away from a narcissist so here are some tips you can implement to protect your mental well-being and create a better environment at home.
- Get familiar with what a narcissist is
Prior to knowing what a narcissist is, I was confused about why this person in my life behaved this way. I tried numerous ways to help him but sadly all were in vain. This result made me feel emotionally drained and overwhelmed because I didn’t know what I was dealing with, but thank God that now I know that it’s a person who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Once you fully understand narcissism, you will be able to identify certain traits and know the terms to use when expressing yourself in a conversation with a narcissist. You will feel more empowered, less overwhelmed and less drained because you know what to expect and how to respond to it.
- Don’t React, Respond Instead
I learned this from a book I was reading about love and respect in the family. When you’re talking to a narcissist try not to react, what do I mean by this. For example; he or she can try to get a reaction from you by saying hurtful things to you, it could be commenting on your choice of outfit, your hairstyle or it could be a comment like “I’m smarter than you because I’m a man.” Whatever the comment, try to respond by saying something like; ‘that’s not a very nice thing to say as opposed to reacting saying, ‘how dare you speak to me that way, you’re not cleverer than me.
You can’t reason with a narcissist, I quickly learned that the narcissist I live with loves getting a reaction from me because it means that I’m no better than him if I react in a disgraceful way by getting angry or shouting. This makes him happy because then he can justify his superiority, if his actions cause you pain and anger, he wins! So don’t fall for this trap, you can slowly lose your character if you try to argue with a narcissist. Truth be told, after living with a narcissist I have to take steps daily to ensure that I’m not behaving like a narcissist because like the good old Bible verse reads in;
1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character.”
- Recognise Gaslighting Behaviours
An example of this can be a narcissist refusing to acknowledge that there is a problem, for example, you bring up an issue that has been bothering you. The narcissist pretends not to understand what you’re saying, acts confused by what you mean despite knowing exactly what you’re talking about. This can be referred to as intellectual dishonesty. They do this to make you doubt yourself and feel stupid by deliberately expressing their lack of understanding, using facial expressions that seem like they are indeed confused by what you’re saying. I recently learned that narcissists do this so that you don’t bring up the issue again. If you care about someone when a problem arises, naturally you would want to resolve it by talking it through, understanding what went wrong, and taking steps to ensure that you don’t make the same mistake again. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for their actions and always blame others for their shortcomings which usually means they will show their true colours sooner rather than later. Thus, it can be beneficial to learn how to respond to a narcissist especially if you’re stuck living with them.
- Be careful how much information you disclose
A narcissist can use any information you share with them especially if it’s personal to you. If you share your private or confidential information, a narcissist is likely to use that information against you. For example, you might say “I’m disappointed that my sister was speaking ill of my Mum, she really has no reason to.” The next time you have a conversation about your sister the narcissist might say something negative about your sister and when you ask him or her not to, they will likely respond with a snarky comment like; “what do you care, you don’t like your sister anyway!” or even worse say it in front of your sister. Even if you have never said that you don’t like your sister and only made the above comment.
“Emotion for a narcissist equates to fuel. They want to hear you getting irritated. They want you to get annoyed. They want your voice to rise and see the tears of frustration welling in your eyes. When they see this, it makes them feel so powerful.” Quote taken from Google Images, Author Unknown.
Please bear in mind that when you have an issue with what someone said it’s better to talk it out with that person. However, it’s perfectly natural to want to speak to someone who is supposed to be your best friend about things that concern you. Therefore, when a narcissist abuses that trust, it’s a lesson learned. Pay attention to how a narcissist speaks of others and know what makes them thrive. Once you know, be careful not to engage in conversations that will feed the wickedness in their soul. I have learned which topics encourage the narcissist to have their flame sparked, it could be as simple as telling them that you went to visit a friend. A narcissist can easily turn the conversation into a verbal attack on your friend saying things like “let me guess, she was talking nonsense thinking she is better than everyone else, her husband doesn’t deserve the money he has, his parents worked for that, he hasn’t done anything (despite the man working hard everyday going to work for the family business). Of course narcissists will say different things depending on the context, these examples are a snippet of what I have experienced.
- Set boundaries
When you finally realise what you’re dealing with, to preserve your own sanity, put boundaries in place. Think about what is likely to work for your situation. I would suggest writing your thoughts down. I often find that when speaking with a narcissist you can easily lose your trail of thought because they intentionally want to throw you off so that you second guess yourself. I read somewhere that some people implement strategies that limit contact with the narcissist. Some people decide to have a “no-contact” approach or use a low-contact approach. In my experience it’s worked marvellously because I feel safer. When explaining these ground rules, try to be clear, concise and polite when speaking to a narcissist for your own safety, you don’t want to poke the bear.
Bonus tip
Pray about your situation. The Lord Jesus will definitely help you, He doesn’t always help in the way we want or expect, He is God after all so it’s His will that we should seek after. But He loves us so much that whatever He allows is for our own good whether we understand it or not. He does give us strength while going through tough times so we’re never alone.
Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” KJV.
A side note is that we normally get ourselves into troubled times if we do things that don’t align with God’s plan. In my situation, the narcissist in my life is here because I never listened to God. Instead I went after what I thought was what I needed, at the time my prayers were just requests of what I wanted, I never prayed for wisdom from God or asked what God wanted for my life. Of course this doesn’t mean that Christians don’t go through hard times , we do. As a parent I give my daughter consequences when she hasn’t behaved well, my Mum did the same, therefore, God’s structure works in a similar way, we are His children so he chastises us when we need it but it’s all done in love, just like we as parents discipline children.
Hebrews 12:6 “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourageth every son whom he receiveth.” KJV.
Disclaimer; This blog post is based on my own experiences and some research papers I have read. Please remember that despite some of the information above stating that you can implement, please consult your Doctor before implementing anything discussed here.
References
https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/living-with-a-narcissist/
Matthew SBG https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf9fJQX7RkA
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